Violence. Long term or short term, it is never a good solution.
Although violence may achieve a temporary solution, it is never in the long run because people will eventually rebel against their oppressors.
Throughout history, every time violence was used to oppress a large mass of people, innocent lives have always been lost. Whenever people go into a war, they always intend to hurt someone physically. However, in war we cannot account for the many innocent lives that may be lost to unexpected variables caused by war. In the Spanish conquest for the Incas, many innocent Incan people died of the viruses and sickness that the Spanish people brought with them, such as smallpox and measles. This alone killed over 20,000 incas and cut the empire in half. That’s not even including the deaths caused from actual fighting. The Incan people chose to rebel against their Spanish oppressors and lost. Once again, if we turn to history we see another similar example: The Revolutionary War. When the American colonies began to revolt against King George, what did he do? Of course he responded with violence. The war resulted in a total of 5,000 wounded and dead American soldiers. Eventually the American colonies prevailed, won the war, and became their own independent country. We see it over and over again in history that people do not respond well to long term violence. I think many of us would agree that if we were constantly physically oppressed by anyone, we would eventually snap and fight back. This is the way of humans, and this is the way of violence. It does not persuade. It only forces. If only humans would learn to not relive history, then we could finally move forwards as a species. I would like to end my writing with a quote, “Peace cannot be achieved through violence,it can only be attained through understanding”- Ralph Waldo Emerson.
By: Allyson
Links:
http://www.nytimes.com/books/first/o/oldstone-viruses.html
http://www.myrevolutionarywar.com/leaders/
You use two examples from history of how oppression causes loss of life, but you didn’t cite any credible sources for your statistics. How do you know that 20,000 Incans lost their lives from disease? Also, how does this further your point about violence? Are viruses and sicknesses considered acts of violence?
To your American Revolution example, the British actually oppressed the American colonies more through lack of representation in governance as well as oppressive taxes. The colonists eventually responded to this oppression with violence. So, returning to your thesis, violence from the oppressed actually produced the United States of America–one of the most successful nations in all of history. How does that example support that violence doesn’t produce a long-term solution?
Finally, a writing note: this is one chunk of text, but it would have been much more readable as multiple paragraphs of text. I counted at least 3 paragraph breaks that should have been used.
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Your counterargument at the beginning was straightforward & right to the point of your thoughts but I feel as if it would’ve sounded better somewhere along the 1st or 2nd paragraph. The included fact of the Incas was a pretty good touch to your essay too! The quote at the end was a good conclusion but throughout the whole story, I didn’t feel any type of emotion. You focused too much on all the other facts, rather than trying to make the audience feel an emotion towards violence. Aim to give the audience more to think about with a lot of emotion!
-Nathalie L. Nava/ 5th period
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You use multiple examples of the oppressors who choose violence to fulfill their unrealistic expectations of society. What you lack, except for the one example made by your teacher, is an example of the oppressed who used violence to rid the oppressors. There are some cases, in which every other option has been exhausted, where violence is acceptable.
Your argument is fueled by emotional appeals, but you try and use logic to finish your argument, which does not end well. Maybe you should try and bring examples of those who have suffered to get the reader to feel emotional.
Damian Sambrano, 6th
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You titled your essay “VIOLENCE. LONG TERM OR SHORT TERM, IT IS NEVER A GOOD SOLUTION.” Yet you talk about how one will lead to violence if one is oppressed. How can you contradict your you claim saying it is never good in a long run if your half of your evidence had the greatest affect on the long run? The Revolutionary War, the fight for independence, America is now the leading country in the world and America wouldn’t exist without it’s “violence” for independence.
I just realized the Teacher above me said almost exactly what I said. That’s disappointing.
When you make a claim with an argumentative essay, always take both sides into consideration. For example the Incas. How were they effected after Spanish rule? How were they before the Spanish rule? Many may have lost their lives, but was life worse after the war?
You should try to use breaks to separate your paragraphs. It kinda looks like one big mass imo.
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Your argument seems concise and to the point, however, I think you felt the need to place A TON of facts into the argument that you forgot to include more of your own input. If you’re going to include facts that come from the past try to back it up with where exactly you pulled this information from. Also, include more of your thoughts on the topic being discussed so the reader doesn’t get bored reading a bunch of history notes. The quote at the end of the essay ties very well to your argument! Lastly, try to include both sides of what you’re discussing like short term AND long term so that your reader isn’t only focused so much on one side of the argument.
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Beatriz, 7th period
The essay is well put together, good job. I do suggest you separate your paragraphs though. I seemed to notice that you have stated many facts and didn’t insert enough of your opinion. Your argument was strong and persuasive in the beginning but as the essay continued you seemed to fall back a little. Overall the essay was great just focus on including two sides of an argument and input more of your opinion.
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Firstly, I agree with Kaina. Your title states that violence is not a short term solution, yet your very first statement contradicts this claim. Of course, that is an easy fix, you can either alter your first statement or your title. Secondly, one of your pieces of evidence you use is the mass amount of deaths from diseases during the Spanish colonization period. This piece of information does not necessarily prove your argument, nor does it harm it. It just simply seems like irrelevant information, so I think you should just remove this specific part of your altogether, but you should definitely include some more specific statistics about the deaths from the actual war casualties as these will prove your argument. If you were to use real estimated numbers to back up your claims about the war, and more of them, your argument would be a lot stronger. You have a very good argument, it just needs a little more specific evidence to prove your point more thoroughly. If you wanted to improve your argument even further, you could include a counterargument, and prove it wrong, to kind of discredit the opposer’s argument and make yours stronger in the process. I like the quote at the end, but I think that ending with an explanation to how it showcases or resembles your argument would emphasize its effect.
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I like how you put your thesis as the first sentence, but it would be okay if you put some background information before you put your thesis. Also instead of leaving your essay with a quote you should try something else because it gives the feeling that you are gonna start with another claim.
Corinne Hopkins, 6th period
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I would have to agree with the various comments above in how you contradicted your title in the first sentence. Also, it seems as if you were just listing facts without really justifying your view on violence.
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Well the beginning was great when you started off with your main idea; violence, but when you went into the war topic and how “they always intend to hurt someone physically,” I already knew that but maybe some people did not. You also did a good job explaining about the people who get hurt physically but not so much mentally. If you were also to go into that then your writing could be longer and you can have more things to explain and also compare back to the audience. You did a great job with bringing in your two main examples about Revolutionary War and the Spanish conquest . If this were to be an essay you cannot put in “I think,” it immediately becomes a score of 1. Quote was great but you could have explained it more.
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This essay was very good and has a lot of examples but for one thing you didn’t get any of this from your head, CITE YOUR SOURCES!!! Your whole essay is based on emotional arguments, try and use some logical information to counter balance your argument. Lastly persuade the audience, you want them to be on your side so use number and facts to let them know you really know what your talking about.
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Javonna Holmes/ 5th period
I loved the topic of discussion. It kept my attention. The essay is very hard to follow structure wise though. I could not tell where one idea started and the other finished. Your points were very good, but next time I wish you could have pull different points because they were both about the war; whereas there are many other situations where people have rebelled against their oppressors. Overall very good essay and I loved the quote.
Good Job!
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This essay was wellwritten, but there was a few errors and flaws that could be picked at by an opposer. First, there was no citations to where you got this information from, so that kind of loses your Ethos, or credibility. Second, Your thesis was well written but was a bit too specific. Instead of saying that violence is not a solution because it does not prevent rebellion, a better thesis would be to sa, “While violence can lead to a temporary solution to peace, Violence can also cause disruptions in societies and lead to the need for more violence because of violence.”
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The essay was pretty good because the thesis of the author and also evidence that backs up the claim. However there are some things the students needs to add. One of things the students needed to add was to give citation. From the other comments the students need to cite the sources because the student could be giving false information. Another thing the person needed to do was to make the essay a little longer by writing more points about violence to influence the audience to get to support your topic.
Philip Thomas, 6th
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David
4th period
This essay is excellent in grammar, punctuation flow and capitalization. Although, violence has also been used to break free from oppressors without the need to oppress others. Take the civil war for example. It was a war to free the slaves and decide which side, the north or the south, would rule over both sides of the the divided powers.
“Although violence may achieve a temporary solution, it is never in the long run because people will eventually rebel against their oppressors”. I will give you that, but that’s only because of policy changes that counteract those of the original plan. Let’s go back to the days of the civil war, where the Kansas-Nebraska act of 1854 cancelled out the Missouri compromise. That one event caused Nebraskans and Kansans (if that’s what they’re called) to try and win by numbers, aka Bleeding Kansas. Bleeding Kansas was a short battle of guns fired to the opposing side so that one side would be bigger and win the vote of the states to be either slave owning or free.
Even in the American Revolution were policy changes a major cause of war. If it were not for the new laws placing higher taxes on sugar, paper, stamps, etc. Then we would still be oppressed colonies. Maybe war was not the best option, but it was the best option they had.
Conflagration does not always work, but it does in fact work.It steps in where protest and words cannot breach or yell, and vice versa.
Sources: http://www.civilwar.org/education/history/civil-war-overview/triggerevents.html
http://www.ushistory.org/us/9.asp
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Okay so good job your essay was well put together, but for an argumentative essay make sure to always include both sides of the argument. Also I agree with many comments you were lacking on inputing your opinion and just went on listing examples. Just make sure to add your opinion to the essay and you’ll be fine.
Angie Villanueva, 6th period
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The thesis was concise and was well put together. Your two main evidence the Spanish conquistadors and the American Revolution clearly supports your thesis and claims. The quote at the end was a good source for your argument, however I think it wold be best
if you had put it at the beginning of your essay- the introduction- and then further explain the quote. I also agree with your argument that violence is never a solution. “You can not fight fire with fire.” Wars are specific examples of this argument like World War 1 and 2, whereas it was a total, when every nations were involved, and innocent lives and, courageous soldiers died due to dominance over power. It is truly sad that we humans live together as one, but we still fight among each other everyday.
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Your essay was to the point. You had a bunch of facts,but you forgot add how you felt about it. You listed facts most of the time instead of saying how you felt.
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Carson Wisnoski 6th
Overall your essay was well thought out and well written, but before you hop into the paper so quickly maybe you should be a little more clear about which side you stand on. Also the way that you used so many facts, statistics and references makes the reader better understand whats going on.
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Great Essay you used great examples which tied back to your thesis and your control of language was superb ! All of your evidence effectively prove what you were trying to argue, therefore your appeal to logos was used correctly. However, to entertain and pull your audience closer to your argument use more pathos which appeals to the audience’s emotion. Make their lives apart of your essay. Your claims were straight forward and to the point, but do not be afraid to jazz it up a bit with some fancy diction, or word choice. Also, great use of a rhetorical questions that strategy is great when trying to engage the reader into your writing. And last but not least, NEVER USE the word “I” when writing a persuasive or argumentative paper. Find different word choice to integrate your quote, such as “As a wise man once said..[integrate quote here].” Overall great essay and great job at staying on topic; many juniors have trouble staying on topic, so you’re definitely on the right track!
Shardae Douglas
7th Period
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To begin you first claim contradicts your title. I like how you included many facts and real life events that occured in the past, however I’m not sure that they benefit or relate to your argument. You are stating in your claim that violence does not have a good long term effect, but your evidence does not prove this. Maybe you should change your claim would be an easy fix. Or maybe I’m just not understanding what you are trying to say so maybe you should elaborate more about the evidence and examples you include.
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The essay is well constructed, as well as it’s organization. It was very straight forward and answered the prompt very clearly. Many examples are provided to win over the position that any act of violence is never a good solution. But these examples may actually counter the claim. The evidence provided only shows past links, and no reference to the modern day society. Using an example to a current situation or recent issue, can help the reader understand the cons of the use of violence. By linking the claim and example together can improve the essay’s persuasiveness, as well as getting an emotional appeal from the audience. Constructing that relationship with your audience can help tip the scales towards your side of the argument. In order to justify and solidify your claims, a clear link on how violence should not be a solution to any situation should be incorporated, rather than just stating the facts of history.
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Great essay and awesome use of history, however to improve your paper, go more into depth in your explanation and then connect that explanation to your topic then finish that example by transitioning it to lead into your next point. Also check your grammar and word control, as it is a little distracting when reading your paper. Again, great use of history and great paper.
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Marissa Salinas 6th
Your claim in your first paragraph contradicted your title which threw me off. You gave me a TON of facts and statistics, but how do I know these are credible resources? When you give factual evidence back it up with your input cause if you don’t it gives off the impression that you bluffed your paper. For your paper to be argumentative paper you need to state both sides and start out with your weakest claim and then finish with your strongest claim leaving the reader in awe. Try to elaborate on your paper more.
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Well put together essay,I noticed that you stated many facts and did not include many of your opinions. Although your argument was strong and persuasive in the beginning but as the essay continued you seem to have lost momentum as you went. Overall the essay was good, for future references include the fact factors in the essay which is your opinion and the facts.
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As many have already mentioned your title indeed contradicts your claim. It is hard to persuade and win over people with your argument when you contradict yourself, so make sure to revise that. Also there was no emotional appeal it was more facts and events then something the audience can relate too. I enjoyed reading what you had to say, it was interesting. Next time make sure to elaborate more and help the audience understand your argument.
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Great use of history but how is viruses and diseases an act of violence ? and this easy contradicts with your title. The use of history was good but the problem with that you have to make sure its accurate. Again the diseases and viruses wasn’t intended it just happened. You should also add more evidence maybe something recent. I think if you just change your title and add more evidence your essay would be great!
Asia Lee 6th
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Your a really well disciplined writer, and a good writer in terms of content. You bring in good evidence, and stay on topic;however, there are a few flaws in grammar, but overall, great job!
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The above comment is by Vivek Patel – 4th period Ms.Stenger
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Pretty good piece overall. To improve you should make your standing more clear. I had a hard time understanding your view on the subject. You should make sure your facts correlate more with your point. For example you said how the inca’s died of disease but the paper is about violence. You should bring up the civil rights movement and how peacefullness was effective. Also make sure you have over enough supporting evidence. Evidence is key to having the audience on your side of the argument. once again, good piece!
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Matthew Crews
6th Period
You used very good examples for your claims/thesis, however you could have had more background information to provide your audience a better understanding of your essay. You also had many short sentences that could be combined together by semicolon’s in order to further get your point across. Also while concluding your topic, make sure you connect back to the audience, which will be an important part in your essay.
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Great job , you had great facts and real life evidence I would agree with all of the comments above of me but just had to say I wasn’t so sure what side you were on honestly at the beginning you went with facts and not any personal emotions.
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I like your essay dude! So much evidence to support your claim! There was only one problem though….What was your claim lmao? I got so lost in your enticing chain of evidence that I could not find your stand on violence lmao.
-AJ Blando 7th period Mrs.Stinger’s Bumblebee Squad
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Excellent essay! I like how you set up your arguement and gave some well known examples. Make sure you could add a conclusion or a restatement of what you are writing about so your audience or readers wont forget what you are writing about.
-Juan Quiroz-Guerra 4th period
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Your essay lacked an introductory paragraph. It is important that the introduction is a decent length so that the reader will be able to comprehend what the main subject of the essay will be about. Although you lacked introduction there were multiple scenarios that you helped describe, which made the reader more attached and more agreeable. (Michelle Phung 1st period)
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Great essay! Plenty of facts to support your claim but try introducing your topic first then stating position. Also try adding paragraph to make the essay easier to read and more organized and have a clear establishment of what is what because I was unsure of where your conclusion began.
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